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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28587414">Find Me On Pluto</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/qauux7/pseuds/qauux7'>qauux7</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blindness, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pro Volleyball Player Oikawa Tooru, Seireiheiki Disease, Slow Burn, Star Tears AU, Will update tags as we go, iwa at uci, no beta we die like men, timeline might be a little wonky compared to canon but eh fuck it bro</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 06:08:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,166</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28587414</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/qauux7/pseuds/qauux7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>How Iwaizumi tries to handle his unrequited love for his best friend who now lives across the ocean. Spoiler: not well. Why did Oikawa Tooru have to be such an irresistible piece of shit?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hajime!”</p><p>Iwaizumi finished his rep and sat up on the bench, wiping the sweat off his forehead as he looked for the person calling his name. It was honestly a little odd being called by his first name. Even Trashykawa called him “Iwa-chan.” </p><p>“Henry! Wassup, man?”</p><p>“Haji, man. What are you repping these days? 215? You’re jacked.”</p><p>“Nah, you can get there in no time.”</p><p>“Teach me your ways, senpai.” Iwaizumi laughed. He found it hilarious that people here used “senpai” ironically. He never said it, but it made him feel closer to home, and always made a point to help out the ones who said it to him. Old habits die hard he guessed.</p><p>He never really had a problem making friends wherever he went, Henry included. But there was some kind of detachment he felt with those that he met so far at UCI. Maybe it’s because he just needed more time, but when he returned to his single apartment every night after a long day of classes, clinics, volleyball practice, and working out, he felt a little lonely. As much as he hated to admit it, Iwaizumi missed the guys at Seijoh. He missed the grueling practices, the daily Matsuhana flirtations, and being part of such a tight-knit team. Heck, he’d admit he even missed Shittykawa at times. It was surprisingly boring without his annoying ass around. </p><p>Speak of the devil. His phone rang with the Teen Titans opening soundtrack, Oikawa’s special ringtone. I’m obviously Robin, the normal but super-smart leader, and you, Iwa-chan, are a gorilla and a brute so you can be Beast Boy or Cyborg. Your pick, aren’t I so kind? Iwaizumi scoffed at the memory, picking up the phone and tucking it between his ear and shoulder as he took off his shoes.</p><p>“Iwa-chan!! Guess what!!” He hummed in response, knowing that the other boy didn’t need much affirmation to spew his mouth. “I ran into Chibi-chan today in the middle of a beach in Brazil of all places!! I had to do a double-take to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating because of heatstroke. You know it gets insanely hot over here.” He didn’t, but Iwaizumi continued humming to urge the other to continue the story as he laid back on his dinky couch with a sigh. What a long day. He still had to get dinner going, hop in the shower, do homework, and stretches to keep his body in good condition.</p><p>“Iwa-chan! Stop sighing! I’m telling you about the exciting story of my life! Listen carefully!” </p><p>He grunted in apology. “This is why I tell you you’re such a caveman, do you even have anyone that speaks your language over there? The almighty Oikawa can’t be there to translate for you right now, so take care of yourself alright?”</p><p>Iwaizumi scoffed. He must be really out of it if he has to be told to take care of himself by Oikawa of all people. “Shut up, Shittykawa. I’m listening. You met up with Hinata in Brazil, and it turns out he wasn’t a hallucination from heatstroke, though I don’t know why you would imagine him of all people.”</p><p>“It’s because he’s like the sun I think, and the heat. There’s a connection somewhere.” Ah, there he goes again. Recently, Iwaizumi had come to the very unfortunate realization that he had been in love with his childhood friend all this time and that every time his chest hurt when he saw the other focused on another person it was in fact, his heart yelling that he wanted that person to be him. </p><p>“Anyways! I’m sending you the picture that I sent to annoy everyone else! You’re welcome for getting to see this blessed face.” </p><p>He wanted to scoff again, but the air was caught in his throat when he opened the picture. It was absolutely unfair that Hinata got to see Oikawa in his sun-kissed glory. He looked good, too good. The tension in his face from high school had long faded in his time under Blanco’s care. Freedom was a good look on him. Iwaizumi knew that he would look even better in person with the sea breeze in his hair. It was simply unfair. </p><p>Upon closer inspection, his breath hitched. Were those twin hickies? There was no way, he thought. With Hinata? Granted the boy looked a lot less like a forest sprite now, but Hinata? No way, no way. </p><p>“What’s that, Iwa-chan? Did my stunning looks make you catch your breath? I’m irresistible, I know.” His heart bottomed out. There was absolutely no way. But he couldn’t ask. He wasn’t prepared for the answer. Iwaizumi always knew that the other boy attracted people regardless of their gender, but he had never entertained another guy. Not until now at least. Iwaizumi had to reevaluate. Maybe it was being in a foreign country that changed Oikawa’s mindset. Argentina was one of the most advanced countries in terms of LGBTQ rights after all. </p><p>“Iwa-chan? Are you still there? I didn’t think that my looks could make people turn to stone!” Iwaizumi cleared his throat, hoping his voice would come out steady. “That would make you Medusa, fool. What’s wrong with your face in this picture? Did you get hit with a ball?”</p><p>“Hey! There’s nothing wrong with Medusa, she is beauty. She is grace! You’re so rude, Iwa-chan!”</p><p>“Okay nerd, don’t get too ahead of yourself now. I’ll have you know that people here call me senpai, too. I’m only rude to you.” </p><p>“Boooooo, Iwa-chan, you know you love me.”</p><p>“Yeah yeah yeah. I gotta go now, bye Babykawa.” He promptly hung up, not wanting to hear the other’s response to him first openly admitting that he loved him, albeit a little sarcastically, and then calling him “baby.” Ugh, he was so embarrassing. His eyes were pricking and he hoped to God that he was not crying on a Tuesday night because of Shittykawa.</p><p>His phone pinged with another picture enclosed. It was a picture of Oikawa with a shy smile, cheeks flushed, eyes twinkling and the caption “ily2 &lt;3”. Iwaizumi wanted to die. Isn’t that unfairly cute? He just wanted to melt into his couch. It was already sinking in the middle due to wear and tear anyway. It seemed like a fit place for him. </p><p>He debated not sending anything back, but in the end, he couldn’t go without replying. After all, they didn’t see each other every day anymore and couldn’t just pick up the conversation where it left off. “You’re embarrassing.” He sent. “Ehe :p” he promptly received, with another picture attached with one of Oikawa’s more annoying faces. Yet still, “Cute,” he said out loud to his empty apartment.</p><p>God, have mercy.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>still working on it!! i hope to have pretty regular updates but of course ur comments will definitely help keep me motivated so ;)<br/>thank you for reading &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been about a week and Iwaizumi had resorted to physically restraining himself from looking at that picture as well as the following messages. Weirdly, every time he even thought about doing it he felt his waterducts itching. There was no way that he was going to cry because of Oikawa. They had already passed the stage of being snotty-nosed brats like they were when they were younger. Ah, those were the days. Oikawa would do something to bully Iwaizumi that would make him cry. In retaliation, he would pummel the other boy and make him cry too. He chuckled at the memory. </p><p>Again, his eyes felt like they were burning. It had to be some weird allergies from the pollen in the air in Irvine. Iwaizumi hadn’t cried since that game against Karasuno where they lost their last chance at nationals. But even thinking of that bittersweet memory didn’t bring this eye burning feeling. Weird weird weird. Maybe he should go get checked out by a doctor. </p><p>At 8pm on the dot, the Teen Titans theme song echoed through his tiny apartment. Iwaizumi threw his hand around on his bed trying to find his phone. He had been resting his eyes after practice and had slipped into a small doze. But like clockwork, he made himself available at 8pm every Tuesday night. It was kind of amazing that even after a year of being into two completely different places, the two were still able to ensure that they could keep in touch like this. Iwaizumi wasn’t much of a texter, so he hated to admit it but he looked forward to these weekly calls from Oikawa and always made sure that his schedule was free. </p><p>“So you know how I’ve been craving milk bread like no other right? Well Luis got tired of hearing me yap about it all the time, his words not mine, and gave me some chipas today! And well let me tell you, it’s not milk bread but cheese bread! It’s not the same, but my craving is satisfied. It’s sooooo good, Iwa-chan. So chewy! So cheesy! It has to be my new favorite here. And Luis says that every time that I’m good, he’ll bring me more from his abue’s bakery. I’m in loveeeee.”</p><p>It hurt, his eyes. In love, he said. Iwaizumi knew that Oikawa probably meant the cheese bread, he threw around the word “love” more lightly when objects were in question. Despite his persona, Oikawa wasn’t much of a fickle person. But it still hurt--hearing about his life in Argentina at some point had stopped making him feel closer to Oikawa, but further. They had experienced all their lives together and now, Oikawa spoke Spanish and called his teammate’s grandmothers by “abue”. Iwaizumi didn’t know this Oikawa, and it hurt. He felt unneeded. This must be something like empty nest syndrome, he thought. The boy who had needed him all his life finally found his own wings.</p><p>The usual burning in his eyes was so much worse today. It made his eyes tear up, vision blurring. Iwaizumi brought his arm up to wipe at his eyes, but doing so brought sharp pain making him grunt. “Iwa? What’s wrong? Did you pull something? You’re smarter than that though.” Iwaizumi ignored him as he looked down at his hand and saw a mixture of blood and crystalline aquamarine. What the fuck was this?</p><p>“Hello? Earth to caveman? Are you okay?” Iwaizumi crushed the crystal in his hand and watched it turn into stardust. “Yeah, I’m fine. Listen, something just came up so I’ll call you later. Sorry.” “Oh, uh, okay. I hope everything is alright.” If Oikawa sounded the least bit disappointed Iwaizumi didn’t catch it because he was still trying to figure out what the fuck just fell from his eyes that was causing him so much pain. Were these like kidney stones but for tear ducts? Nevermind that he cried. What in the world was going on? He’d have to call Makki tomorrow. The man was currently in medical school so Iwaizumi was sure he would know what was going on with his body. He fell back onto his bed, throwing his arm across his eyes. Somehow, he thought this too would be because of Oikawa. After all, there wasn’t a single thing in his life that was untouched by the other.</p><p>--</p><p>“Iwaizumi,” Makki said in an oddly serious voice. He sighed, this probably was much worse than he thought. “What is it?” He watched as the other fidgeted on the other side of the screen. It wasn’t often that Makki was made uncomfortable, causing him to square his shoulders. “I can take it,” he reassured. The other boy only sighed in response. </p><p>“You know, I was always so sure that you didn’t feel anything for him despite how much you looked after him because you never showed any signs. But here it is. Iwaizumi, you have seireiheiki (星涙病気), star tears disease. I don’t know why you decided to admit your feelings for him now of all times. You know that if it gets worse you could go blind right?”</p><p>“You’re kidding.” </p><p>“No, no. I can assure you that I really am not. It’s still a new disease so there’s not too much that’s known about it, but it’s real.” </p><p>“...What can I do?”</p><p>“Iwaizumi, I’m not gonna lie. It’s not looking good for you. You can either confess or get rid of your feelings if you don’t want to slowly lose your vision. I’m not too sure how fast it progresses either.”</p><p>“...Thanks, Makki. I’ll think about it.” With a few more pleasantries and reassurances from his high school friend, Iwaizumi ended the call with a heavy heart. Slowly go blind? Was it still possible to be a physical therapist if he was blind? He would never be able to watch over Oikawa again. His heart clenched and his eyes began to burn again. Okay, so clearly, thinking more about the other boy was not helping his case at all. He buried his head in his pillow to muffle his scream of frustration. His phone rang with the Teen Titans theme song, but in his distress, he didn’t realize it and picked up thinking that Makki had forgotten to tell him something.</p><p>“Iwa-chan! I’m sure you were too shy to call back the Great Oikawa Tooru, so I decided to lay down my pride and do it for you.” Oh shit. He was too flustered to come up with something to say, choosing the first thing that came to his mind. “Fuck me.” Stupid. </p><p>Oikawa let out a sharp gasp. “Iwa-chan, so scandalous! Irvine has changed you. Where’s the innocent Iwa-chan I used to know.” The other boy’s fake sobs ringing in his ears. “Shut up.” He growled. Unknowingly, he slipped in more irritation than he had meant to, sobering up the other boy instantly. “Are you sure you’re okay? You know I’m not there to look after you anymore right? So you have to survive the wild until we’re reunited.”</p><p>Iwaizumi scoffed. “When have you ever looked after me? There’s only one irresponsible one between the two of us, and it’s definitely not me.”</p><p>“Iwa-chan, rude! Excuse me for worrying about your gorilla looking ass.” </p><p>“Better than your clothes hanger, trashcan looking ass.” Oikawa sputtered on the other side of the line, and for the first time in a week, Iwaizumi laughed with his belly, eyes squinting with mirth. Unexpectedly, Oikawa responded in a warm and gentle voice that made his heart ache. </p><p>“I’m glad you’re okay now.” </p><p>Iwaizumi wasn’t surprised when he felt the tinkling of his tears hitting the wooden floor of his apartment.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So I'm not exactly sure what the Japanese reading for 星涙病気 is but I used the alternative Chinese origin readings for most of the Kanji just because I like how "seireiheiki" sounds compared to "hoshinamidabyouki". I do have a Japanese minor but of course, if someone knows how it's supposed to be read, I'll fix it right away!!</p><p>Anyways, here's chapter 2. Poor Iwa-chan, he doesn't even know that it's only gonna get worse from here for him (before it gets better of course :)).</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>With a grunt of dismissal, Iwaizumi untangled himself from the warmth of Ushijima’s bed and started to slip on his hoodie and sweatpants. “See you, Monday,” the other said, rolling over to get more comfortable. Iwaizumi grabbed a bottle of water on his way out, knowing that the other wouldn’t mind.</p><p>On the walk back, he tried not to think of the irony of knowing that the almighty Ushiwaka was generous enough to give his sex friend unlimited complementary water bottles like he ran a 5 star hotel. Imagine, your most hated high school rival now being close enough to you to (consensually) shove his dick up your ass every other day. Even knowing it was the truth and being the one to experience it didn’t help Iwaizumi come to terms with this situation. His phone buzzed signifying a text. Another stupid picture of Oikawa after practice, sweaty, glistening and draping all over his teammates. Especially stupid Luis with his 5 o’clock shadow and intense eyebrows. As Iwaizumi felt his eyes begin to prick again, he sighed. What was he doing truly?</p><p>It was out of complete coincidence that Iwaizumi ran into Ushijima Wakatoshi, outside of the athletics building. Perhaps it was the shock and relief of seeing a familiar face after so long that caused Iwaizumi to drop all his pretenses and talked to the other as an old friend, even if it was Ushiwaka. One thing lead to another and he found out that Ushijima wasn’t really as bad of a person as he had once thought, maybe really bad at reading the room, but overall not a bad person. Okay, maybe the fact that he was also the coach’s son also had something to do with it. Iwaizumi was easily swayed, whatever.</p><p>Anyways, he eventually found out that the national team member was staying for a month to visit his dad and he made an effort to see the other as much as he could because (1) he missed speaking Japanese and (2) he may have been a little homesick. So it really wasn’t much of a surprise that Ushijima soon found out about his condition. It had been several days into hanging out when the piercing droplets fell from his eyes. Iwaizumi had sent a picture of the two of them to Oikawa partly because he knew the other would hate it and partly as revenge for the Hinata picture. Iwaizumi expected excessive whining or cursing for the other, demands to come see him in Argentina, threats for Ushiwaka, something, anything. Instead, he got radio silence. Not even an emoji or sticker in the chat. It was unnerving.</p><p>Then, in the midst of radio silence, Oikawa posts a picture on Instagram. It was a beautiful picture. Iwaizumi had saved it into his phone, but if he thought about it further he felt like throwing up. Oikawa was presumably half naked, asleep on his bed with his glasses still on. He must have been up marathoning another shitty alien movie series. His blankets were wrapped around him, in an embrace of white. He looked like an angel. The problem was, who the fuck was he comfortable enough to see him like that. Previously, only Iwaizumi had the privilege to see him in such a vulnerable state. Oikawa could rarely feel comfortable enough to drop his persona around other people, let alone fall asleep with his dorky glasses still on. His stomach turned again just thinking of it. Unknowingly, Iwaizumi had started crying again. But this time, he was in Ushijima’s presence. Against the tinkling of the tears falling into the carpeted floors at Ushijima’s hotel, the other wordlessly offered him his handkerchief.</p><p>“Is that…” the other boy licked his lips to stall, “seireiheiki?” Iwaizumi could only nod in defeat as he harshly wiped at his eyes. Ushijima grabbed his arm, “you’ll make it worse,” and gently dabbed his handkerchief against Iwaizumi’s eyes. He tried to resist at first, but eventually resigned when he couldn’t yank his arm out of the other’s strong grip.</p><p>“...My mother had it. After my father left.” Iwaizumi jerked his head to look at the other. “Everyone thought that she was cold and unfeeling, that she couldn’t possibly love anyone. And that that was what drove my father away. But they were wrong. She was stoic because of her upbringing, but she loved deeply and profoundly. She knew that my father’s first love would always be volleyball. And so she let him go.” When it seemed like Ushijima was not going to say anymore, Iwaizumi spoke, his voice croaking a little, “What happened to her?”</p><p>“She is alive and well.”</p><p>“Then, why do you look so sad?”</p><p>“Her love for my father had almost consumed her. But my mother had always been a strong woman. Before she went completely blind, she was finally finally able to let go of her feelings for him. Now, she can hardly make out shapes, but she is still as poised as ever. In fact, many men are still enamored by her grace.” Despite the other man’s lips quirking up near the end, Iwaizumi pursed his lips. He didn’t want to go blind, but he also couldn’t imagine not loving Oikawa. He had spent his whole life doing so and getting rid of his feelings would be like ripping his soul in half. He would be empty after. After all, he had given even his future to the other boy.</p><p>“Iwaizumi. If you would like, I can help mediate the symptoms. You are a decent athlete and it would be a shame for the world of volleyball to lose your assets.”</p><p>“How?”</p><p>“It would only be a temporary relief. But the body can be tricked into thinking it is falling in love during the act of sex.”</p><p>“...You want to have <em>sex</em> with <em>me</em>?! <em>You</em>?!”</p><p>“In a sense, yes. Intimacy can mitigate the blindness, as any tears that you cry during intercourse will technically be my doing even if you happen to be thinking of Oikawa.” Iwaizumi sharpened his gaze. “I didn’t say it was Oikawa.” Ushijima lightly shrugged, “I figured it was the best guess.”</p><p>Iwaizumi felt lightheaded. What the fuck was going on? First of all, <em>sex</em> with Ushijima? Second of all, sex with <em>Ushijima</em>? He grabbed his hair. “I understand that this might be a lot to take in, but I think that it would be in your best interest. I promise that I am a thorough lover.” Iwaizumi didn’t know if he felt like laughing or crying. Was this real life? He gave a sharp pinch to his inner thigh. Yep, definitely real. Probably noticing how much Iwaizumi was struggling with the decision, the other finally released the arm that Iwaizumi forgot he was holding. “Think it over. Now what did you want for dinner tonight?”</p><p>He was absentminded through the rest of the night and well into the next day, trying to imagine if he could have sex with Ushijima and then trying to shut down his thoughts when the homoerotic images appeared in his brain. Okay, so maybe the other man was pretty attractive, but he had never looked at anyone but Tooru in that way. While his head was doing 50 meter sprints back and forth, Iwaizumi received a timely text from Oikawa. It shut his brain down cold. Attached was another picture that pierced his heart. It was Oikawa strutting with a newly signed jockstrap from his idol, José Blanco, alongside his other team members wearing the same thing. And fucking Luis with his arm drapped over him. The picture was sent with the message “Ha! You’re with stinky Ushiwaka, and I’m here shooting porn with Luis.” Iwaizumi wanted to die. His eyes burned intensely. “Okay Lui said to stop being mean or he won’t give me any more pan de leche from abue. Soooo, you should definitely leave stinky Ushi<em>jima</em> and come visit me already so I can introduce you to everyone and take you out to try all the food! My plan to make you fat and have a better figure than you will finally come to fruition! [last message has been deleted] You didn’t see that okay, Iwa?”</p><p>Once again, Iwaizumi left the other on read, unable to joke around, and quickly pulled up Ushijima’s contact information. When the other man picked up on the phone, he managed to choke out “I’ll do it. Are you free now?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>dynamics with Oikawa's teammates inspired by <a href="https://twitter.com/thispuppyflies/status/1293840857007894528?s=20">this series by pups on Twitter</a><br/> </p><p>please give them a follow!! their art is amazing (lots of iwaoi wink wink)!!! and they're learning Spanish atm for Oikawa, the dedication!! I admire them a lot.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>a little bit nsfw at first but i can't write smut so it'll go away super fast. don't read the first paragraph if ur uncomfy</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Again, he could feel the big, fat droplets welling up at the corners of his eyes and he clung harder to Ushijima’s broad back. When the other man tweaked at his oversensitive nipples again, the tears rolled down the sides of his cheeks and he choked out a small sob. It was as Ushijima had said before, he was a thorough lover. Perhaps too thorough, because Iwaizumi always ended up a weepy mess after a night with the other. And maybe it was a bit too much, but for now, it was exactly what he needed. To cry out all the tears that he had bottled up every time he heard Oikawa call someone by their first name and acting like he didn’t need Iwaizumi anymore after he had spent his whole life by his side. And he could do it in the warm, and safe embrace of another. Iwaizumi had never felt so small as he did when the other man pulled out and bundled him up to his chest to help him clean up and ride out all the tears for that session. It was cathartic to say the least.</p><p>“Thanks,” he rasped out after awhile. Ushijima shook his head, and he knew it now to mean that it was no big deal.</p><p>“We need to talk,” the other said gently. But with his nerves still frayed and sensitive, he tensed. Ushijima, as attentive as always, felt the tension against his chest and moved to gently stroke his hair before continuing his sentence, “My time here is running short. I only have two more weeks before I have to go to Japan. As such, this arrangement will also have to end. As fond as I am of you, I cannot stay longer. But I don’t want to leave you alone like this. You are not getting better.”</p><p>Iwaizumi pursed his lips. He didn’t want to admit it, but he wasn’t getting better. Despite how much he cried during their sessions, one off-hand text from Oikawa was all it took now for the cutting aquamarine crystals to fall from his eyes. He hated feeling like this. There was once a time when he thought that he was the independent one, but oh how wrong he was. Now he was reduced to an emotional mess clinging onto the kindness of old rivals. The droplets were getting bigger, forming star shapes now by the time they fell from his eyes. His vision was also getting fuzzier. He had to sit closer to the front now in class to be able to see the projector clearly.</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>Ushijima sighed. “Maybe you can talk to him?” But Iwaizumi shook his head. He knew that his childhood friend would only feel responsible for not being able to return his feelings and take it upon himself for Iwaizumi’s waning eyesight. It wasn’t fair to him. But he didn’t say so because he knew the both of them were tired of having this conversation over and over again. For some reason, after he had gotten very threatening texts from Oikawa to “stop infecting Iwa-chan with his stinkiness”, Ushijima believed that somehow talking to Oikawa would fix all his problems. “Hajime,” the other tried to push again in a stern voice.</p><p>“No, ‘Toshi. I can’t.” And it looked like Ushijima still had something that he wanted to say, but one look at Iwaizumi’s defeated state, he conceded for the time being with another sigh. “Can you walk? Let’s go clean up.”</p><p>Iwaizumi stood up with wobbly legs, but tonight wasn’t any more intense than usual. So he stumbled to the bathroom with Ushijima’s big and warm hand pressed against his back to steady him.</p><p>--</p><p>Iwaizumi threw himself onto his bed again after another long day. These days, he had begun to feel a bone-tired weariness. Perhaps it was some kind of withdrawal symptom from the lack of Oikawa in his life. In an effort to reduce his pining and symptoms, Iwaizumi had begun to ignore texts from the other boy. Replying every few days just to say sorry, that he had been busy with everything going on, whenever he got a warning text from Makki that Oikawa was worried about Iwaizumi’s distant behavior. He had even contemplated not picking up their weekly Tuesday calls, but he figured that that would be basically telling his childhood friend that something was wrong with him.</p><p>So when the Teen Titans theme song once again rang throughout his empty apartment, Iwaizumi groaned. Why was this his life? He laid there as the song almost played through to completion and then picked up.</p><p>“Iwa-chan! Sorry, did I wake you up? It should only be 8 PM over there, though.” And Iwaizumi could feel the other boy pouting. Actually, wait what. He could see the other boy pouting. The other boy sat up in surprise. He didn’t realize that it was a video call before he picked up. “Why is it so dark over there? It’s too early to turn off the lights, you caveman.”</p><p>“I just got home,” he managed to grunt out.</p><p>“Well get to it! I miss your grumpy face.” And a warmth curled around his heart at that. Damn this boy. Damn him and his floofy hair and pretty brown eyes. When he finally flicked on his lamp, a sharp gasp could be heard on the other side of the screen. Iwaizumi flinched. He knew that he hadn’t been looking so good these days and he hoped that Oikawa for once in his life wouldn’t comment on it. But this was Oikawa he was talking about.</p><p>“Hajime.” Iwaizumi flinched again. Oikawa never used his first name unless he wanted something or he was very angry. “Look at me.” Iwaizumi hadn’t even realized that he had averted his eyes in shame, but he meekly met his eyes with the other boy. He hunched his shoulders after seeing the piercing glare. “Why haven’t you been taking care of yourself?”</p><p>“...It’s been really busy. I’m fine.” Oikawa’s glare hardened. Something about the other boy getting angry at him irked Iwaizumi.</p><p>“You’re not fine.” He felt like his blood was simmering and ready to boil over.</p><p>“I’m fine!” He shouted. There was a short silence as they both paused in surprise at the volume of Iwaizumi’s voice. Yes, he shouted at the other boy often, but there wasn’t usually so much hatred tinged in it.</p><p>“Hajime, what’s wrong?” Oikawa softened his voice. But if anything it just made Iwaizumi feel worse. He couldn’t just come out and say you. After all, it’s not really the other boy’s fault that he fell so deeply in love with him that he was crying crystalline stars and slowly going blind. There was nothing that he could say and it felt like Oikawa was going to persuade the answer out of him no matter what. Iwaizumi could feel the panic rising up his throat and he tried to suppress it.</p><p><br/>“I’m fine,” he insisted. But that wasn’t the right answer. He could feel the rising anger in the other boy as he saw his face twist. He licked his lips as he tried to think of some excuse. “I know it looks bad. It’s just close to midterms, so I have a lot going on right now. But I’m still getting at least 5 hours of sleep a night.” Lie. “And eating 3 meals a day.” Lie. “So don’t worry about me.” Lie. There was, after all, a tiny twisted part of him that was happy to be getting so much attention from the other after only having heard about Shouyo or Lui for the past few weeks.</p><p>Oikawa pursed his lips. “Hajime. Did you know that when you lie, you have a habit of rubbing the back of your neck?” At that, Iwaizumi loosened the grip on his hand. Shit, he thought. He didn’t know how to get out of this conversation. After all, he had never actively tried to keep something from the other boy. “Please, tell me what’s wrong.”</p><p>“You can’t help me anyway,” he muttered bitterly under his breath. But with his phone right in front of him, the microphone picked it up and the guilt deepened when he saw the hurt look on the other’s face. “Shit, that’s not what I meant.” He tried to amend.</p><p>“Then what did you mean? I know you were always taking care of me, but am I so unreliable?”</p><p>“No, no, of course not. You’re my best friend!”</p><p>“Then why can’t you tell me?” Oikawa wailed. Iwaizumi was crushed. Contrary to popular belief, he had always been the crybaby out of the two of them. It wasn’t often that his best friend cried and he hated that he was the reason for it. But again, that ugly feeling of satisfaction welled up.</p><p>“I just...don’t want you to worry about me,” as Oikawa opened his mouth to interject, Iwaizumi cut him off, “Look it’s really not that serious. It really just has been really busy. I’ll be fine soon, I promise.”</p><p>“Pinky promise?” It was childish, but Iwaizumi crossed his fingers off-screen and replied “Pinky promise.” After all, he hated breaking promises with the other. The guilt would eat him up alive. He still felt bad about lying about promising, but it was better than the alternative.</p><p>“Then, you have to promise to reply to my texts right away or else I’ll worry that you fainted in some alleyway somewhere where you got robbed by some person.” He couldn’t help the little smile that broke out of his face. So silly.</p><p>“Okay.” This one he meant. He really didn’t want to worry the other at all. His problem was his own. He heard a shout on the other side and Oikawa turned his head to shout back. “I have to go now, but remember you promised okay! I’ll be really really mad if you don’t.”</p><p>“Yeah.” And after the screen from his phone went back, he sighed and held his phone up to his head. “What am I doing?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>poor iwa, he's all mixed up inside<br/>put hmmmm what does ushijima know that he doesn't!!</p><p>for those who don’t know, crossing your fingers while making a pinky promise means that you didn’t actually promise anything. it’s a little loophole</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry for the late update you guys! i've been a little busy with school and also im hitting a stump. idrk where to take this story, but i'm finally back with the next installation. i hope you enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He was only 6 when he met the obnoxious boy who lived down the street. At 6, Oikawa Tooru was all birdnested hair and gangly limbs. Of course, his shining personality had always been a part of him. So when that walking scarecrow challenged his pride as the best neighborhood bug catcher, of course he rose to the challenge. The boys were grappling around to be the first to grab a rhinoceros beetle when Hajime’s foot slipped and he fell from a tree, fracturing his left arm and leaving him with a nasty cut across his right eyebrow. Their friendship continued much in that way over the years, with Hajime picking up cuts and bruises trying to keep up with this passionate, sparkling boy. </p><p> </p><p>It makes sense that even now the other boy would be reason for his injury. It made sense in a twisted way, yet Hajime had never once regretted meeting the other. Because for every small hurt he received, he gained so much more warmth. The blinding smiles by little Oikawa and his missing canines, the squished milk breads that the other boy reluctantly handed over to apologize, the matching alien and godzilla pajamas, the way Oikawa held his hand when he felt scared, and the soft puffs of breath by his side chasing the nightmares away. So in a way, his life revolved around this beautiful boy. It was all that he’d known.</p><p> </p><p>When Hajime began wearing glasses, he attributed this as just another side effect of knowing the entity that was Oikawa Tooru. His vision was bound to go bad anyways, what with the late nights up marathoning the Alien movie series to keep the other boy company. Even just staying up now looking on his tiny phone screen to see Oikawa halfway across the world was bound to have some detrimental effects. So really, Hajime wasn’t too bothered that this part of him was also touched by his childhood friend. No matter how much Ushijima looked at him with pitying concern. Really. </p><p> </p><p>His longtime rival was returning to Japan this week anyways, so those judging eyes would be very very far from his peripheral vision and he could go back to becoming another one of Oikawa’s unfortunate victims of love. It was fine. Except it wasn’t because for some reason his vision was not only blurring but his head was playing mindgames with him. There standing in the center of his room was one very angry Oikawa Tooru, skin deliciously bronzed and hair perfectly windswept. His life was so unfair. </p><p> </p><p>With a sigh, Hajime slumped his shoulders and walked in. He ignored the elephant in the room and went about his usual routine. Setting down his book bag, throwing his dirty clothes in the laundry hamper and then proceeding to collapse face first onto his bed until he could work up the energy to rinse of the stink of another long, long day. For some reason, when he hit the bed, the weight on his back was much much heavier today. In fact, he could feel his airways constricting and Hajime had to turn his head to the side to bring in a deep breath. But no matter how much he tried, the weight on his back was not eased. Even attempts to move his limbs did nothing to throw off the weight, and so he resigned to be crushed to death. He could imagine his obituary already. <em> Here lies Iwaizumi Hajime, suffocated to death by causes unknown. May he rest in peace.  </em></p><p>As he was getting lost in his head once again, he felt a sharp pull on the hairs at the back of his head. He brought his hand up to see what was tugging so insistently and felt what couldn’t possibly be another hand. Goosebumps rose on the back of his neck. It couldn’t be a ghost. He had never seen one in his life and he had lived here for nearly a year and a half. There was no reason to run into one now. One he came into contact with the hand again, Hajime grabbed it and flipped his body over so that he was now the body on top. </p><p> </p><p>He came face to face with a wide-eyed Oikawa Tooru. Hajime sat back in shock. There was no way. Oikawa was supposed to be in Argentina right now. He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed the heels of his palms against them. He must be hallucinating. He hadn’t been getting much sleep these days, that had to be it. It had to be, because there was no way that his best friend was lying sprawled under him right now. </p><p> </p><p>“-wa-chan. Iwa-chan!” Hands pulled at his wrist but he refused to budge. “Hajime! Goddammit, I didn’t come all this way just so you could hide your gorilla face from me!” That got his attention. He slowly opened his eyes and stared down at the other boy, mouth opening and closing as he tried to come up with something to say. The other boy snorted when he saw how out of his mind Hajime felt, but he waited until Hajime was able to pull himself together and mutter a single, “How?”</p><p> </p><p>The other boy grinned. “How what, Mr. Caveman? How am I here right now? Why, I hopped on a plane of course.”</p><p> </p><p>“Practice?”</p><p> </p><p>“I asked off for a few days.” At that, Hajime frowned. But Oikawa rebutted with a finger to his forehead. “Don’t worry your little caveman brain about it, Coach wouldn’t have let me go if he felt like I really couldn’t miss it. Though, I would have just found a way to come anyways if he said no.”</p><p> </p><p>Hajime licked his lips as he prepared for what he really wanted to ask. “Why are you here?” It came out in a low voice, crackling a little bit due to his dry throat. At that Oikawa frowned. “Isn’t it because you’re here?” Hajime’s heart skipped a beat, but outwardly he showed a disgusted face. He lightheartedly went to smack the other upside his head, but Oikawa caught his hand before it made contact.</p><p> </p><p>“Hajime,” the seriousness in the other’s voice made him tense up. He already knew what was coming next. “What’s wrong?” Before he could even reply, the other boy squeezed his hand and looked him in the eye. “And don’t tell me nothing, because I know it’s not nothing. I’m your best friend. I <em> know </em>you. I know something’s wrong.”</p><p> </p><p>Hajime looked away. Lips pursed because he knew he couldn’t lie here but he wasn’t ready to tell him the truth. He didn’t know if he could ever be ready. What was he supposed to say? He had fallen in love with the other boy and was now slowly going blind? That he started a friends with benefits situation with Ushiwaka of all people, and while he was able to cry freely he had felt more empty than ever before? That he didn’t know what to do because he had spent his whole life loving Oikawa Tooru and he didn’t know how not to? How was he supposed to dump this on the one person who would internalize all his pain and take that guilt on himself? He didn’t want to make the other boy feel bad for something that wasn’t his fault. So he sat there in silence staring at the stain on his wall hoping that the other boy would understand that he didn’t want to talk. But it seems like Oikawa wasn’t going to let this one go.</p><p> </p><p>“I know you wear glasses now.” At that Hajime’s eyes widened, but he still refused to make eye contact. After all, Oikawa was a very observant person, moreso when it came to Hajime, so he wasn’t surprised that the other boy found out something that he was meaning to hide from him.</p><p> </p><p>When it seemed like Hajime wouldn’t answer him, Oikawa continued. “I snooped around your room earlier. Everything’s a mess. The Hajime I know would never let his room get to this state.” </p><p> </p><p>“Maybe, you don’t know me anymore.” He whispered under his breath, not expecting the other to be able to hear him. But Oikawa had always been attuned to Hajime, and he sucked in a sharp breath making Hajime flinch. He snuck a peak at the other boy’s face to see if he was angry, but instead he felt his heart crack when he saw the hurt in Oikawa’s eyes. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that.”</p><p> </p><p>“Then what did you mean?” When Oikawa was met with more silence he grabbed Hajime’s other hand and tried to pull on them so the other boy would finally look at him. His words came out watery, but he refused to release his tears. “What is it? What is it that you can confide in <em> Ushijima Wakatoshi </em> of all people, but not me?” </p><p> </p><p>And maybe it was the way Oikawa was so desperately trying to hold in his tears so he could be the stronger one. Maybe it was the way that his voice hardened when he said Ushijima’s name and then broke when he said his own. Or the way that he was gripping Hajime’s hand, pleading that his best friend confide in him because he was worried enough to hop on a plane for 20 some hours just to see him. But the last of Hajime’s will crumbled to dust and he let his body sag in defeat as the sparkling tears built up in his eyes and fell like pellets onto Oikawa’s chest. </p><p> </p><p>“No.” Oikawa whispered. It couldn’t be. “Oh Hajime...Are they worth it? What about your career? Your dreams?”</p><p> </p><p>All Hajime could utter was a small, “They’re everything to me.” And his best friend relented, pulling him into his chest in a tight embrace feeling utterly helpless towards the most important person in his life.</p>
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